I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
