I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
