Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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