that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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