I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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