I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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