bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I look better un-naked...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
