My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
