Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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