Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
