lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
whose parrot is this?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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