someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I did not marry a roomba.
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