ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
