Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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