He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
