Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
