i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
