Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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