yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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