Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
