One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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