I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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