I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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