You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
