do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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