I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
