well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
