DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
