I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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