The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
