She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
