please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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