I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
