i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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