I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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