Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I cockslap morals
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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