ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
