my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
