i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
