I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
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It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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