Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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