I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
