This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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