I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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