Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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