its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
