he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
