if you like me you must not know who I am
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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