You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
