just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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