I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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