My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
