The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
