DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
