When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
