38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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